We're surprised he didn't call you Teeny Tiny Tenacious Tuberculosis Tim since the bitch got paid by the word...

Dear Harry,

Couldn't Charles Dickens have been the least bit creative and given me an ironic name like "Big Tim"...? You try getting a date with the name Tiny Tim sometime. God bless us, every one...except that wordy hack DICKens.

Love,
Tiny Tim Cratchit

Who?

Dear Harry,

Hey, it's Vixen. You know, the reindeer everyone forgets about when they try to remember all of the reindeer? VIXEN. VIXEN. VIXEN. How hard is that? It rhymes with Blitzen...sort of.

Of course, everyone remembers Rudolph. Lights the way my ass. As if we didn't make due before he came along.

Oh, and don't get me started about Donner. How do people remember Donner? "Um, the one with the same name as those people that ate each other...DONNER!"

Fuck Christmas.

Love,
Vixen

That diabolical egg salad sandwich eater!

Dear Harry,

I just thought you should know about George Lucas's evil plan to make Star Wars Episodes I-III seem like the greatest movies ever made. How will he do this? Lucas has me by the balls (by this I mean he is giving me an obscene amount of money) and he is going to insert me into every movie on AFI's list of the top 100 films of the last 100 years. By doing so, he will essentially ruin every one of these movies (or so he says. I'm really not sure how my mere presence would ruin an entire film...). He even plans to insert me into Star Wars Episodes IV-VI so that I-III will be better by comparison. Apparently, I will play Luke's trusty sidekick, Shi-Le Salos, FuoVolvo Of Vicodin (Lucas uses those Star Wars name generators!). I just thought I'd warn you because he might just get his grubby fat fingers on your movies, too!

Love,
Shia LeBeouf

You do NOT want to eat our flesh...

Dear Harry,

Everyone has been asking me what my character, Dr. Edwin Jenner, told Rick on the season finale of The Walking Dead. I think everyone knows it was something about the blood test my character had Rick's group submit to. Some people think I told him one of the members of his group is infected. Most people think I told him his wife is pregnant. Do you want to know what I really told him? Don't let the producers know I told you, but what I really told Rick was that the results of his blood test showed that his midi-chlorian count was off the charts! That's right, Rick is a Jedi. Next season, you're going to see Rick use his super awesome Jedi powers to kick zombie ass! THE SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Love,
Noah Emmerich

You're doing it wrong...

Dear Harry,

Did you know that you can use magic to make money!? For real! Oh, you can also use it to make a retarded kid who thinks he's a rapper fall in love with your Jewish best friend.

Peace,
Teen Witch

It's a wonderful life...

Dear Harry,

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? If that's true, I'd say many an angel has gotten its wings because of me. When some douchebag john brings his rented trash in here for a business deal, I pretend to ignore him when he takes the "Ring bell for service" sign a little too seriously. Sometimes I sit with my back turned for a whole minute before facing the scum of the earth. I'd say that at least 150 angels got their wings in that minute. You're welcome angels.

Love,
Mickey, motel manager

Twilight is ruined!

Dear Harry,

OMG! OMFG!!! Did you hear that Zac and Josh left Paramore?!?!? The most important thing to ask ourselves is what this means for Twilight. I think they already have the soundtrack set for Breaking Dawn Part I, but what about Part II? What if "Let the Flames Begin" ISN'T the song playing during the epic final staredown at the end of the film?!?!?

Love,
prettylittleliar14

Oh THAT kid. Totez gay.

Dear Harry,

Do you think there's any chance "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will ever be repealed in Dumbledore's Army?

Love,
Colin Creevey