Ssssssssalutations...

Dear Harry,

Remember me? I'm that snake you freed from captivity.
I just really wanted to thank you for your kindness. When
you freed me, I met the snake of my dreams the next day.
We got married and got an apartment. I made friends with
everyone in our building and we have good laughs every day!
My loads and loads of friends all got their physicals and they
are so healthy. They're going to live for a really really long time!
What about you? I'm sure you have so many friends that aren't
dead or anything!

Love,
Ted the snake

Words of wisdom...

Dear Harry,

Our future's so bright, we gotta wear shades (also, the doctors require us to). Good luck getting out of that cupboard! Anything is possible (even if it takes a while)!

Love,
The Chilean Miners

P.S. CHI CHI, LE LE! CHI CHI, LE LE!

He owns you.

Dear Harry,

I'm pleased to share with you the latest remarkable, revolutionary new technological experience from Apple:

iTouch Harry.

To commemorate this occasion, I've also enclosed with this letter, an ill-fitting black turtleneck.  Welcome to the family.

Love,
Steve Jobs

Oh no she didn't!

Dear Harry,

Thanks for letting me borrow your invisibility cloak.
I swear, you write one good book and suddenly you're
Lindsay Lohan.

Oh, I may have washed your cloak with some of my
red panties. Oops, my bad.

Love,
Harper Lee

My heart WON'T go on.

Dear Harry,

I'm only so stern and severe because I'm still not over the fact that my beloved Albus is gay.

Love,
Minerva McGonagall

Good timing, Harry.

Dear Harry,

You're really lucky that Dean Thomas didn't knock me up before you finally came to your senses.

Love,
Ginny

I!enjoi;punc'tu"A"shun'al,mindfucks/doU?

;dearharry;

!h
   a
      p
         p
           ybirth d a y

(tome).

/ee cummings.

Explain THIS...

Dear Harry,

Can you please explain to me WHY in God's name Sam never used the front door? Thanks.

Love,
Clarissa

This time, Miley's gone too far...

Dear Harry,

We do NOT approve.

Love,
The Walt Disney Company

Hope he didn't spoil it for you, Harry...

Dear Harry,

Bruce Willis is a ghost at the end of that fucking movie, and THAT'S why I can see him.

Love,
Haley Joel Osment

Totally valid question, Draco...

Potter,


Why are these books about you again?

Fuck off,
Draco

P.S. Could you tell that asshole Chris Columbus that I don't need to randomly steal things? My family's RICH.  Thanks.

We only like our environmental preservation quiet...

 Dear Harry,

If you could've just taught everyone how to use that silencio spell, that would've been helpful.

Love,
Compostable Sun Chips Bags

McFly!......?

Dear Harry,

Did you know they originally cast me to play you
in the film version of The Sorcerer's Stone?
We were 5 weeks into shooting and all of a sudden
Chris Columbus looks at me and says, "There's
something really wrong with you."

Love,
Eric Stoltz

*sniff* *sniff* Who put on the Hoobastank?

Dear Harry,

If you ever piss Ginny off, just throw on our song
"The Reason" and watch the panties drop.

Love,
Hoobastank

Yeah? Well, I'm taller...

Dear Harry,

Pop quiz, hot shot!
Your friend Ron just drank some poisoned mead. He's
foaming at the mouth and convulsing on the floor. What
do you do?
WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?

Love,
Officer Jack Traven, LAPD

Let's see you get a reservation at Dorsia NOW...

Dear Harry,

Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Love,
Patrick Bateman

P.S. Your friend Ron is a dickweed.  A tumbling, tumbling dickweed.

He really doesn't get it...

Dear Harry,

What IS the deal with quidditch, anyway?

Love,
Jerry Seinfeld

Sorry to disappoint...

Dear Harry,

It's never gonna happen.

Love,
Hermione

And Deputy Dewey was a FOX...

 










Dear Harry,

I was right about one thing: Sidney Prescott's mother WAS a whore.

Love,
Gale Weathers

Not such good advice, Norman.

Dear Harry,

You shouldn't be so unforgiving of the Dark Lord. I stabbed my second wife, and people still think I'm a genius.

Love,
Norman Mailer

Good advice, Norman.

Dear Harry,

If you really miss your dead mom that much, you should just pretend to be her!

Love,
Norman Bates

I'm the face of post racial America. Deal with it Cate Blanchett...

Dear Harry,

YOU ON SCARE TACTICS! HAHA! None of your friends died! Ron
and Seamus set you up! Your parents still died though. LET'S GET
SOME SANDWICHES!

Love,
Tracy Morgan

Someone is bitter.

Dear Harry,

I find it offensive that someone wants to read an 870 page book about YOU.

Love,
Herman Melville

She'll eat your face.

Dear Harry,

Watch out for Hedwig. Seriously.

Love,
Melanie Daniels

Columbus Day is a second rate holiday, anyway...

Dear Harry,

No offense to India or anything, but we kind of wish Columbus had actually known where the hell he was going.

Love,
The Arawak Peoples

Halloween movie time has begun.

Dear Harry,

I know what you did last summer, and our department isn't very happy about it.

Love,
Mafalda Hopkirk, Improper Use of Magic Office

Do YOU have your own holiday, yet?

Dear Harry,

As you well know, even the biggest fuck-ups often times lead to positive results.

Happy Me Day,
Christopher Columbus

P.S. This is the Spanish EXPLORER, not your sad director friend.

Sorry, Nicolette...

 Dear Harry,

You've only truly known success once you've seen your own Behind the Music episode over 200 times.

Love,
Leif Garrett

Have you seen a frog?

Dear Harry,

Way to steal my spot in the prophecy, dick!

Sincerely,
Neville Longbottom

Violent global conflicts kind of suck, too...

Dear Harry,

Socialism was more fun than polio.

Love,
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Not in the Theatrical version...

Dear Harry,

Lincoln shot first.

Love,
J.W.B.