Thursday, October 21, 2010
MATT DAMON FACTS ABOUT MATT DAMON
LIST MATT DAMON!:
1. MATT DAMON!
2. MATT DAMON GO FAST!
46. MATT DAMON HEAD NOT SQUARE!
$$$. MATT DAMON ENJOY FAST!
D. MATT DAMON TIRED!
Dear Harriet Potter,
We are delighted to inform you that your application for
education at Woldingham School for Girls has been accepted.
However, there is a small matter of making sure you are indeed
a young lady. We are not accusing you of deception, but there
have been several instances of mischievous young men trying
to get into our school so they could "have a go" at our brilliant
and respectable students.
Please reply posthaste with a photograph of yourself and we will
in turn send you your dossier pertaining to your courses of learning.
Mrs. Janice Truffle MA
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
If that idiot Hagrid ever manages to get his hands on something called a "Mogwai," don't let him get it wet, or feed the little shit after midnight.
Tell that scorpion woman, Hermione, that the proper translation of "San Diego" is, in fact, "a whale's vagina."
Believe me, I would know.
Ron Burgundy, KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News
You know, your next movie could fail. It could! Like,
the first people that see it could tell everyone how much
it sucks and then no one else would go see it. So yeah, there
you go. You scared? You gonna cry, baby, huh?
You know who we are, asshole.
I find your offer to play Griphook in your latest film most intriguing, but I'm afraid I must decline. While I believe Griphook to be a most admirable goblin, I feel playing a common, former bank employee would only serve to compromise the integrity of my exquisite performance as Jareth, the Goblin King.
I'm sure you understand.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Don't send "lewd photos" of your penis to nice ladies on the internet. No matter how many times they've been in Playboy.
I don't know why everyone is writing to you. After all, I'm the good-looking one with the enviable existence.
Not to mention that I'm fucking awesome.
Harry Potter the Puppet Pal
Avoid planes. Stick with flying cars.
Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Patsy Cline, John Denver, Otis Redding, Wilson the Volleyball, snakes, The Passengers of Oceanic Flight 815, et al.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm living in the States now. The beautiful California. I've been working on the campaign for Proposition 19. If you're ever visiting, look me up. I showed you how to pull a mandrake from its pot and I can also show you how to pull the pot from its mandrake if you know what I'm saying. Mind your earmuffs, Potter.
Professor Pomona Sprout, Herbology
If my calculations are correct you will receive this letter immediately after you saw the DeLorean struck by lightning. First, let me assure you that I am alive and well. I've been living happily these past 8 months in the year 1885. The lightning bolt that hit the DeLorean caused a gigawatt overload which scrambled the time circuits, activated the flux capacitor, and sent me back to 1885. The overload shorted out the time circuits and destroyed the flying circuits. Unfortunately, the car will never fly again.
I set myself up as a blacksmith as a front while I attempted to repair the damage to the time circuits. Unfortunately, this proved impossible because suitable replacement parts will not be invented until 1947. However, I've gotten quite adept at shoeing horses and fixing wagons.
I have buried the DeLorean in the abandoned Delgado Mine, adjacent to the Old Boot Hill cemetery, as shown on the enclosed map. Hopefully, it should remain undisturbed and preserved until you uncover it in 1955. Inside you will find repair instructions. My 1955 counterpart should have no problem repairing it so that you can drive it back to the future. Once you have returned to 1985, destroy the time machine.
Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to come back here to get me. I am perfectly happy living in the fresh air and the wide-open spaces, and I fear that unnecessary time travel only risks further disruption of the space-time continuum. And please take care of Einstein for me.
I know that you will give him a good home. Remember to walk him twice a day, and that he only likes canned dog food. These are my wishes; please respect them and follow them. And so Marty, I now say farewell and wish you Godspeed. You've been a good, kind, and loyal friend to me. You've made a real difference in my life. I will always treasure our relationship and think on you with fond memories, warm feelings, and a special place in my heart.
Your friend in time,
Doc, Emmett L Brown. September 1st, 1885.