Seriously.

Dear Harry,

I'm pretty tired of people comparing you to me, even if it is only in a literary sense. I was crucified, for the love of God (pun intended).

Love,

Jesus

This is a pretty crappy "thank you" gift.

 Dear Harry,

This is how much melted cheese product $1.50 gets you at the midnight showing of your film.

Love,
Regal Cinemas

Slytherin is BAD.

Dear Harry,

I am bludgeoning down our austere wall of the fourth to issue the following bequest:

As you well know, I am a Slytherin.  Innumerable Facebook, Quizzilla, and officially licensed Warner Brothers online quizzes have told me so, thus, it must be true.

So, when I ventured forth from my cave-like dwelling to brave a second opening weekend viewing of your most recent film, I made sure to put my best Slytherin foot forward.  Draped in elegant fabrics of silver and green, each carefully placed jewel, bauble, and crest all seemed to breathe, like the delicate panting of an over-worked house elf, "I'm better than you."

Mission accomplished.

As I settled down into my only mildly offensive movie theater chair, I sat in an amicable silence, pondering the shame Matthew Perry must feel now that he is no longer the answer to nearly every single pre-movie trivia question.  My reverie was brutally interrupted by the manic shrieking of two humanoid creatures (Muggles, most likely), bounding up the aisle with all of the grace of your vile friend Hagrid, after he has been gagged, bound, and intravenously injected with the sweaty combination of mead, fire whiskey, and heroin.

I think I can make it work this time...

Dear Harry,

I know I don't have the best track record, but if you could set me up with that minx Minerva McGonogall, I think it would be splendid. Also, I make a point of not owning ovens anymore.

Sincerely,

Ted Hughes

She's going rogue...

Dear Harry,

Hi, Harry. It's me, Sarah Palin! I see you have the #1 movie in our great country, America. I don't know if you heard about my new TV show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, but recently it hasn't been doing so well. I put my thinkin' cap on and figured out it's because the liberals are out to destroy me. I have an idea. Maybe you could make a guest appearance on the show, shoot a gun at some moose, PEW PEW! No? Maybe send that Dobby kid?

Love,

Sarah

Redhead said you...do magic...and I'm...uh

Dear Harry,

Do u have Cho's number and can I have it? Thx.

Love,
Rivers Cuomo

A most angry inch...

Dear Harry,

Heard you needed a new Hedwig. I'll bring the Zima.

Love,
Hedwig Robinson

They call me Mickey "Two-Fingers"...

Dear Harry,

Just wanted to ask if you know if Hermione is going to be doing any travelling soon? Also, please inform her that body scanners give you instant cancer.

Love,
Mickey, TSA agent and pat-down extraordinaire