Saturday, October 2, 2010

Don't make me de-friend you, Harry...









Dear Harry,

Have you seen my movie, yet? It's getting excellent reviews.  You should probably update your status about it.

Love,
Facebook

Friday, October 1, 2010

This one's for you, Nick...


















Dear Harry,

Wanna know something funny? I don't even LIKE Peter Gabriel.

Love,
Lloyd Dobler

He REALLY hates the stuff...














Dear Harry,

Avoid sand.

Love,
Anakin

So does your career...













Dear Harry,

I miss you.  :(

Love,
Chris Columbus

Speak softly and...
















Dear Harry,

Can I have my big stick back now?

Love,
President Theodore Roosevelt

We've gone over it at least ten times.












Dear Harry,

If you don't know what a fucking bezoar is, you can eat shit and die.

Love,
Professor Severus Snape

I just wanna fly...
















Dear Harry,

My hair hasn't changed since 1997.

Love,
Mark McGrath

Maybe this is why he didn't get the job...


















Dear Harry,

It would've been better if you were played by Johnny Depp and Hermione was played by my wife.

Love,
Tim Burton

Haven't I seen you here before, Harry?
















Dear Harry,

Have a seat.

Love,
Chris Hansen

What's a man without his man jewelry?


















Dear Harry,

Do you have my other earring?

Love,
Rob Lowe

We're fine, really...












Dear Harry,

We wish Bono would just leave us the hell alone.

Love,
Third World Countries

Excitement!




















Dear Harry,

Everybody wins a brand new CAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAR! (YOU get a car and YOU get a car, and YOU get a car!)

Love,
Oprah

He's pretty eloquent, for a Vulcan...














Dear Harry,

Live long, and... Fuck it. Just don't die, alright?

Love,
Spock

Best Enjoyed with a Schlitz...














Dear Harry,

MITCHELL!

Love,
Mitchell

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Nonchalance at its best...


















dear harry,

ironically, we still like you.

p.s. you'll probably wanna stock up on deep v's and leggings before am-ap goes under.
p.p.s. not that we care.

- hipsters.

At least he's honest...












Dear Harry,

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. Also, I stole George Harrison's wife, but I wrote a really kick-ass song about her.

Love,
Eric Clapton

I still don't think he's doing it...














Dear Harry,

RELAX.

Love,
Frankie

Feminist, he is not.













Dear Harry,

I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

Love,
Jay-Z

It was Bound to Happen Eventually...













Dear Harry,

For some reason, I just don't find bending over and pretending to speak from my anus all that funny anymore.  Perhaps this is a sign of maturity.

Sincerely,
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

Seriously, they're over it...


















Dear Harry,

We really wish Kevin Costner would stop dancing with us.

Love,
Wolves

Always One for Modesty...















Dear Harry,

I totally would have beaten you in the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

Love,
Roger Federer (a.k.a. R-Fed)

The Eternal Question...


















Dear Harry,

Dawson or Pacey?

Love,
Joey Potter

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'll sew your little monster into my meat dress...


















Dear Harry,

I was thinking about skinning you alive and making you into a dress.  It'd be totally cutting edge, don't you think?

Call me.

Love,
Lady Gaga

Daddy Issues for One and All...


















Dear Harry,

If you were John's kid, I might consider writing a song about you.

Love,
SIR Paul McCartney

Crushing Dreams Since 1993...


















 Dear Harry,

Magic isn't real.

Love,
Special Agent Dana Scully, F.B.I.

Love, the Big A.A.













Dear Harry,

IT'S A TRAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Admiral Ackbar

Love, Fox










Dear Harry,

Tom Marvolo Riddle, who you know as "The Dark Lord Voldemort," is actually an extraterrestrial placed here on Earth by the U.S. government to cover up the existence of OTHER extraterrestrials by making the world think that the source of ultimate evil is NOT, in fact, extraterrestrials and smallpox-carrying bees, but is, instead, a dark wizard. Watch yourself.

Love,
Special Agent Fox Mulder, F.B.I.

Love, Jimmy













Dear Harry,

I quit!

Love,
Jimmy

No one cares, GL.













Dear Harry,

Podracing is way better than quidditch. Especially in 3-D.

Love,
George Lucas

I bet your mean aunt and uncle wouldn't have let you get them, either...












Dear Harry,

Power converters would've helped.

Love,
Luke Skywalker

When worlds collide...












Dear Harry,

You'd better hang on tight, spider monkey.

Love,
Edward Cullen

I hope you have homeowner's insurance...









Dear Harry,

OHHHH YEAH!

Love,
The Kool-Aid Man

Ohhhhhhh no.









Dear Harry,

Just be happy you're not Jewish.

Love,
Mel Gibson

BOOM!













Dear Harry,

Your films aren't nearly explosive enough. Let's talk.

Love,
Michael Bay

Sorry, Luke.













Dear Harry,

Actually...I am your father. Sorry for the mix-up.

Love,
Darth Vader

Like Donnie Did...













Dear Harry,

Burn it to the ground.

Love,
Frank

Dirty rotten thief...













Dear Harry,

I can steal your show too, you know.

Love,
Jay Leno

Love, Eric Cartman












Dear Harry,

Regarding your parents' death: It was actually I who killed them--by grinding them up and making them into chili.

Love,
Eric Cartman

What's all this animosity about?












Dear Harry,

Was it something I said?

Love,
The Dark Lord

Paternity, paternity...










Dear Harry,

You are NOT the father!

Love,
Maury Povich

Never let go.








Dear Harry,

There was totally room for me on that floating piece of wreckage. Rose is a bitch.

- Jack Dawson

Heart of the Ocean










Dear Harry,

I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.

Love,
Rose Dewitt Bukater

Fallen tennis star...










Dear Harry,

I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

Love,
Richie Tenenbaum

Love, Paula Cole












Dear Harry,

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Love,
Paula Cole

I'm...cold.












Dear Harry,

You have been submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society.

Sincerely,
Are You Afraid of the Dark

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Love, President Pullman











Dear Harry,

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day.

Love,
President Pullman

Dear Harry - An Introduction

Dearest Readers,

With the beginning of the final film installment of the Harry Potter series a mere few months away, my partner and I began lamenting on how profoundly this enterprise of books, movies, videogames, message boards, fan fictions, fan arts, conferences, costumes, boardgames, candy, and now, even an amusement park, had impacted our lives.

After a few hours of sobbing hysterically into our buttbeers, we began to wonder how Harry's super epic confrontation with ultimate evil had affected the lives of some of our other favorite figures from the vast expanses of history and popular culture.

So, we called in quite a few favors, and performed only a handful of morally questionable (and quite possibly illegal) acts, to bring you the responses we have collected here today.  Some are shocking, some heart wrenching, and, a surprising number of them impressively obscene, but all provide the answer to what is quite possibly the most important question of all time, space, and the universe:

If YOU could say one thing to Harry Potter, what would it be?

Thusly, we present to you: Open Letters to Harry Potter.

With Love and Fire Whiskey,

E.B. and H.G.