Friday, December 3, 2010

What's your PhD in, again?

Dear Harry,

You know, I was kind of hurt when I heard about your big... horcrux hunting quest.  I mean, that's what I DO.  I professionally hunt down culturally significant historical objects that have some sort of curse or bits of a dark wizard's soul stuck in them, and destroy them (whilst shagging a bunch of the natives).  Or have them placed in a museum.  Whatever.  Either way, I could have helped. [AN: It's true, dear Harry.  It's what I got my degree in.  Cultural Anthropology is... Learning to be like Indiana Jones.  Ask anybody.]

But then, I saw that big ass snake come out of that old lady's head, and... I wasn't too upset anymore.

Totally normal old lady...


I'm... sure you've got it covered.  Good luck, kid.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Do da da doo da doo

I thought he died.

Dear Harry,

Yesterday, I was sitting in my office full of wizard shinies being all wize (wizard wise), and sage-like and stuff, Googling around for new beard jewelry, when I came across an item that immediately shot to the top of my Christmas list:


How awesomely magical and downright fucking wizardly is that?? Yes, I thought you'd agree.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you of that one year when I gifted you with your dead dad's invisibility cloak and how you still technically owe me (if you know what I mean).

Happy Christmas!

Albus, The Headmaster ;)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How does one WRITE to twilight, exactly?

Dear Harry,

Something strange happened to me today.  As I was wasting my "real" life away in favor of a more fulfilling one in front of my computer, I stumbled across this site:  I know, I was just as surprised as you are.  Apparently, your fans aren't the only ones who can write letters -- Twilighters can, too! (When they're not too busy angsting and sparkling, I'd imagine.)

Letting my curiosity get the best of me, I spent some time poking around this bizarro, parallel, vamped-out universe, and stumbled across this entry, in which the author mulls about the similarities and differences between Twilight and your fandoms.  Now, as if this weren't already uncanny enough, I nearly blew my wand when I read this following passage:

In fact, Harry Potter crazies are probably weirder than Twi-crazies because of the magic-aspect. And their crazy fans tend to be boys who dress up like boy wizards. Weird. What if there is a LTHP (Letters to Harry Potter)-like site out there right now that makes fun of crazy Harry Potter fans like we do with Twi-fans?
 THAT, Dear Harry, was too much for me to ignore.  I had to say something.  So, I quickly penned this response on your behalf...

There are.... No words.

Dear Harry,

I finally got around to reading your series (being filthy rich and Mormon can be quite time consuming), and... I can see why it isn't doing so well.

Since I'm a writer myself, I took the liberty of making a few teensy, weensy changes that I really think will help the book connect a bit more with readers and, "bring the lulz," as the kids would say. ; ) 

I hope you enjoy my edits, and wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.

Stephenie Meyer

P.S. I'm sorry to hear about your newest film -- I'm sure it'll do better next time!

~*~  Hermione Granger and the Dusky Dawn  ~*~


~~~}~@ ****** Prologue ****** @~{~~~

I never thought much about how I would die.  Frankly, I've always found the subject of my own (increasingly imminent) demise quite unpleasant, so I really do my best to avoid thinking about it -- even if that means not thinking about much of anything at all (I've never been much good at it anyway, thinking).

Lately, however, death and all of its residual ickyness seems to be an unavoidable part of my existence.  It follows me wherever I go, plaguing my thoughts, taunting me whenever I demurely glance at crack in the sidewalk and suffer a compound fracture to my femur and snap a few ribs in half.  Clumsiness (no matter how endearing), really has its drawbacks.

The weak-minded

Dear Harry,

Apparently those were the droids we were looking for.

Larry, Buford, and Mike C., stormtroopers

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What a sad, sorry truth.

Dear Harry,

I am now the best living director of a Star Wars movie. Suck it.

George Lucas

It's getting old, boy who lived...

Dear Harry,

Yeah, got me, but I am NOT falling for it again. I know that you have not actually "got" my nose...I just wish I could remember where I put the bloody thing.

The Dark Lord, Voldemort

Bowie to Bowie

Dear Harry,

Have you seen Major Tom? We can't seem to find him anywhere.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Hans Britz?!? Oh no!! Oh hi, Hans!

Dear Harry,

You are an impostor! Our great leader was the one who defeated the great beast, Hagrid, and won 18 Twi-Wizard Tournaments in a row! You will pay for your deception!

North Korea

Money, money, money, money, monnnney, MONEY!

Dear Harry,

Hey, it's Warner Bros. Just wanted to congratulate you on another successful movie. One more to go, huh? Yeah, about that...We know there aren't any books left, but we've been throwing around ideas and we think we can stretch out this series just a little longer, say indefinitely. Listen to're Harry Potter, but you wake up and don't remember who you are, but the audience knows cause the movie is called Harry Potter and the Such and Such. Anywho, you find a piece of paper in your pocket...or parchment. The Brits say "parchment," right? Ok, the parchment just says "Crumple-horned Snorkack 1437". And you find a gun taped to your back. We decided that wands are kind of lame, BUT! We're gonna do that thing like in Romeo and Juliet where they all had guns, but called them "swords". So, you have your "wand" and then the rest of the film is a lot of chase scenes and we decided to give Voldemort an eyepatch and a pet tiger. What do you think?

Warner Bro$