The Official Letters to Harry Potter Glossary
(Now you can finally know what the fuck egg salad means.)
Here are some of our words. You can have them. Ready? **Educate!** (We're looking at you, Kstew)
(NOTE: This page is currently UNDER CONSTRUCTION. I will finish it very soon, inserting all of the appropriate links and such. But, I figured I'd publish it anyway.)
Admiral Ackbar - Is really adept at finding traps.
Also: Wears really fierce white pantsuits.
Albino Peacocks -Are the most fabulous creatures to have ever existed.
Also: Are tragically missing from HP7 Pt. 1.
AMERICA - Like, the greatest thing ever.
Anal - Katy's answer for everything.
Ashley Rae - One third of the mystical Tri-Force team. Is Katy's little feshpouch, and Nick's seester.
Animagus Form: Sheepacorn
Favorite Color: Black. The color of ANGST.
Planeteer Power: Heart
Likes: Black notebooks, black records, black eyeliner, and vodka martinis.
Asshat - One who wears their ass as a hat.
Also: See, "Kyle"
Austere - A word as hard as the lines on old Hardcastle McCormac's face.
Babies - A super huge, incredibly, whoa-this-entire-fucking-book-is-about-this?-sized plot point in the
Also: Ashley's greatest fear.
Bakersfield - The paramount settlement in the history of all human civilization.
Home of: fresh, clean mountain air (bursting with oxygen), Buck Owns, Zingo's, Sequoia Sandwich Company, California State University Bakersfield, oil, Nick and Katy's storybook romance, Sandrini's, Liberty High School, the Olive Drive Church swingset, the loss of our collective innocence, Basque food, The Valley Plaza, The Streetwise Chicken, East High School, Jerry's Pizza, Target Greatland, The Marketplace, Loitering at the Marketplace, religious tolerance, the Egg Salad Sandwich Incident, and carrots.
Balto - A good film.
Barty Crouch Sr. - Reminds Ashley of Nick every time he goes, "OoooOOOOOoohhh!" in that one movie with the Triwizard Tournament and RPatz in it.
Beanz - What the Bush's baked beans dog likes to roll.
Also: A primary ingredient in burritos.
Bedward - Bella Swan's first name.
Also: Her main objective in life.
Beef jerky - Your primary food source during the zombie apocalypse.
Beer - A key component in the game Beer Pong.
Also: James Potter's alcoholic beverage of choice.
Black - Regulus and Sirius's last name.
Also: A nice color to wear.
Borders Bookstore - A better place to go than high school.
Also: You can buy books there. Like Harry Potter.
Brad Neely - Can we have your phone number?
Also: Is the genius behind Wizard People, Dear Readers.
Cash - Something we are generally short on.
Also: Can we borrow some?
Cats - A fun pet.
Also: A musical.
Coffee - The source of the mystic Tri-Force team's power.
Dick's - A really fucking offensive sporting goods store.
Also: Richard Nixon's stuff.
Dickbag - A bag of dicks.
Also: A unique, inventive nickname to give to your friends.
Dickweed - See: Ronald Weasley.
Drinking - What we're normally doing.
Drunk - What we normally are.
Dumbledore - See: Gay.
Dungeons and Dragons - An animated cartoon series which premiered in 1983. Sadly, was canceled before the final episode, "Requiem," was aired, giving geeks something to wank about for decades to come. Bares many uncanny similarities to the Harry Potter series, including: a red-eyed, noseless villain named Venger, a maze that causes people go bat shit crazy and start attacking each other, sorcery, a villain who is referred to as, "He-Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Spoken," lockets with fancy powers, castles, and unicorns.
Also: Rivers Cumo's fave game.
Egg Salad - Generally used to describe George Lucas's tendency to destroy anything good he once contributed to society.
Also: Failure, shame, regret.
Egg Salad Sandwich - What George Lucas snarfs down when he's alone in dark rooms (or at Sequoia), while he contemplates the countless childhoods he's mercilessly ravaged.
Also: Pretty tasty.
Elefant - A man who really enjoys singing (or talking) about dancing.
England - Where Harry lived before we kidnapped him and threw him back into a cupboard.
Also: Where tea and America comes from.
Ewoks - WERE TOTALLY NECESSARY AND COMPLETELY SAVED THOSE REBELS' ASSES, SO SERIOUSLY STOP BITCHING ABOUT HOW IT SHOULD'VE BEEN KASHYYYK, BECAUSE THEN GEORGE THE DESTROYER MIGHT TRY TO GO BACK AND STICK IT IN ONE OF HIS NEW, SHITTY FILMS TO APPEASE YOU, AND... Oh, that totally happened, didn't it?
Also: Another quality animated television series from the 1980s.
The Faculty - Is a masterpiece.
Also: Beware its many disturbing subliminal messages.
Forks - A craphole.
Also: Home of Sprklz the Virtuous, the rest of the Sprklriche family, Bedward the Hoorklutz, and Jaykubwulf.
Fuck - The greatest and most versatile word in the entirety of the English language.
Also: Seriously, it's fucking beautiful.
Fudge - The douchiest minister of magic wizardom has ever known. Has a penchant for wearing green bowler hats, and oppressing the people he governs.
Also: A delicious, decadent treat.
Fun - What you're having.
The Gap of Rohan - Has really great deals on khakis, and is open on holidays!
Also: Is apparently really hard to get to.
Gay - A magical headmaster at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Often described as "the best the school has ever known," in spite of his penchant for recklessly endangering the lives of children, and plotting Harry's death. Is commonly found sucking on lemon drops, purveying whimsy, fondling his phoenix, and touting the all-consuming importance of LURVE.
Also: Lots of people are this.
George Lucas - An enemy to all who value happiness and quality film making, and who are opposed to completely unnecessary CGI "ehnacements" and Shia Lebouf. Frequently seen dribbling egg salad into his beard and all over his life's work.
Also: Known as "George the Destroyer"
Gin - Remus Lupin's life source.
Granger - What Draco likes to call Hermione, since he clearly wants to bone her.
Grease 2 - Brian's favorite movie of all time.
Greaser - A barbarous subclass of 1950s society. This primitive group was so uncultured that they only had the capacity to enjoy one song, "Gloria," by Van Morrison.
Commonly Confused With: "Rockabilly" - Kids who really like Bettie Page and car shows.
Hagrid - The stupidest fucking creature that ever lived, and a danger to children everywhere.
Also: JK's favorite moral compass. If you like Hagrid, and are totes jazzed to go get your head ripped off in one of his FAILURES of a Care of Magical Creatures class, then... You're pure of heart and wonderful and loyal and everybody loves you! But if you're not... Well, then you're probably in Slytherin.
HARRY FUCKING POTTER - A rippling beast of wizardom. This little wizard quivers with a greatness unparalleled by the likes of anything else in this universe. He has powers so great that he has managed to amass legions of literally hundreds of thousands of followers, spanning all corners of the globe, who delightedly pound into their keyboards day after day, "HARRY. HARRY! HARRRRRRRRRYYYYY POTTERRRRRRR!" He has inspired six and a half feature films, millions of fan fictions, message boards, websites, "wrock" bands, books, magazines, J.K. Rowling's writing career, and of course, this blog.
Also: Has a fucking theme park. (Which we would like to go to.)
Hedwig - Tragically dies instead of Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Hello Kitty - A cat with no mouth that has somehow managed to amass nearly as great a following as HARRY FUCKING POTTER for some reason.
Also: Katy really likes it.
Hogwarts - Where the vast majority of Harry's greatness went down.
Also: Where he was before we captured him.
Holes - Katy's greatest fear.
Also: A heart warming film, based on the book by Louis Sacher, starring Shia Lebouf in his most critically acclaimed role to date.
Hoorklutz - Bedward the Hoorklutz's last name. A combination of the two words which seem to speak to her true nature, "hoor" and "klutz."
Also: Eddie Sprklz's twwwuuu wuuuvvvv!
Commonly Confused With: "Horcrux" - Shiny things that Voldy likes to stick bits of his soul in.
Hufflepuff - Not important.
Also: Completely inconsequential and socially awkward.
Inconceivable! - No fucking way!
Internet -Where you are, where we live, and what Al Gore invented.
THE Interview - A black day in the history of the HP fandom, you guys. Now, pull up an ass pillow, and let me tell you a story about a little woman named J.K. Rowling. She wrote these Harry Potter books (you may have heard of them), and this led many people to think that she was important and actually had valuable things to say about the series she created, so they interviewed her. A lot. However, one particular interview, conducted by the founders/owners of two popular Harry Potter sites, caused the HP fandom to fucking shit all over itself and implode in a fiery ball of flaming RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEE toward JK and her interviewers.
"But," you ask, "what could the HPer's beloved goddess of words say to result in such... hostility?" Well, essentially, she said that anyone who thought/thinks that Harry and Hermione were going to get together and shag because their love is so much more beautiful and meaningful and true than anyone else's love EVER are seriously out of their goddamned minds, because... OMFG, really, had they even been reading the books, because she's dropped like, bazillions of ANVIL SIZED hints that it was always been Ron and Hermione who were going to bone, and there's really nothing you can do about it, because I'm rich, and oh yeah, I OWN YOUR SOULS. But... you're totally "not delusional." (I might have paraphrased a little bit.) Anyway, apparently, this was a big fucking deal.
Also: This is how we learned that R.A.B. was Regulus Black waaaaaaay before you did.
Igroberta Menchu - Is a nice lady.
Jaykubwulf - Jacob Black from the Twilight series.
Also: Just one of the many, MANY men ensnared by
JK Rowling - Wrote some stupid books and would probably sue our (Nick's) balls off if she ever found out about this site.
Joy Division - Severus Snape's favorite band.
Justin Bieber - Nick's mortal enemy.
Also: Wears a hairpiece.
Katy - One third of the mystic tri-force team. The love of Nick's life, and Ashley's soulmate.
Animagus Form: Hello Kitty riding a Tauntaun
Planeteer Power: Fire
Favorite Color: Pink
Likes: Bacon, tequila, Jews, and Hello Kitty.
Also: Is fucking magical.
Kyle - See: "Asshat"
Also: Rhymes with "COWWWWWWWWLLLL"
Lando - Katy's mortal enemy.
Also: Has a copilot whose face looks like a vagina and steals his "bff's" clothes.
Lick My Love Pump - The song that defined a generation
Lord of the Rings - Movies that Katy and Ashley saw COUNTLESS times together.
Also: A really good excuse to use when you want to stay out until midnight (or later) when you're in high school, because those movies are fucking LONG.
Luke Skywalker - Really, REALLY loves power converters. And, really, isn't too into this whole "Force" thing, and would much rather go play with his friend Biggs.
Also: Is a BADASS in Return of the Jedi. (Which still causes Ashley to cry during the scene where
McGonogall - Wears tartan panties, likes things to be done IMMEDIATELY!, and is pretty much the biggest slut in the school (yes, even bigger than Ginny).
Also: Commonly referred to as "Hardcastle McCormac."
Mayonnaise - A key ingredient in all of Hagrid's "home remedies."
Also: None of them actually work.
Moaning Myrtle - Molested Harry in the prefect's bathroom.
Also: Molested Cedric Diggory in the prefect's bathroom.
Meyer (as in "Stephenie") - Ashley Rae's mortal enemy.
Also: No, I really hate her.
Molly Weasley - Katy and Ashley's mortal enemy.
Also: Is a veritable Ginge-procreation MACHINE.
Mormon Kisses - Are the only acceptable form of sexual activity for a girl/woman to engage in prior to marriage.
Also: Just ask Stephenie
Mormons - Live in Utah.
Moxie - We've got it.
Also: Is fun to say
Nick - One third of the mystical Tri-Force team. The love of Katy's life, and Ashley's brosef.
Patronus: A Jamaican Bobsled Team
Animagus Form: Monkey
Favorite Color: Matches his shoes
Planeteer Power: Wind
Likes: Shoes, Back to the Future, pizza, Las Vegas (the place, not the show), Peewee Herman
Also: The taskmaster of this site, and the only reason you see new Dear Harry's regularly.
Neptune: Is still a planet, for the time being. ^_^
Also: Is the butt of a lot of Uranus jokes. :(
Ollivander - Is a very useful plot point for delivering expository dialog about the babbling confoundary that is "wand lore."
Also: Is excellent at terrifying children.
Oliver Wood - IS VERY STRONGLY OPPOSED TO THE CANCELLATION OF QUIDDITCH EVER!!!
Also: Known as "Major Wood"
Orgasm - See: Unicorn
Paint by Twilight - One of Ashley's many projects hosted on this site devoted to her favorite hobby of relentlessly mocking Twilight.
Patrick Bateman - Everybody's favorite homicidal maniac.
Also: Really likes Huey Lewis and the News.
Penguins - Have really tragic existences.
Also: Especially when
Peter Pettigrew - Snuffs it with his own hand and makes the world a better place.
Pod Racing - Is unbearably long, tortuous, and a REALLY great way to get some more CGI in.
Also: It's George the Destroyer's favorite thing (after egg salad sandwiches, of course).
Quidditch - Is the HP equivalent of Podracing. But it's Harry's one great talent, so we can't really mock it too terribly.
Also: Is a real sport now, apparently.
Ranch Dressing - Is good on french fries.
Also: Is good on onion rings.
Ravenclaw - Is slightly less unimportant that Hufflepuff, thanks to the presence of cat litter-toting Luna Lovegood. But only slightly.
Also: They're supposed to be really smart, or something.
Regulus Black - The guy who almost destroyed a horcrux. Also, only exists as a parallel to Draco's storyline in the Half Blood Prince, and never actually appears in the books, but this isn't enough to deter some people from obsessively developing his character. (This last statement is in no way self-referential.)
Also: Watches a lot of infomercials in his disgusting bathrobe.
Remus Lupin - Is an alcoholic werewolf that frequently engages in scandalous affairs with his underage students. He sustains himself primarily on liters of gin and bowls of olives.
Also: Is terrified of Bendaroos.
Ron Weasley - One of the youngest of the Weasley Ginger brood, and has been called a "dickweed. A tumbling, tumbling dickweed," by one Patrick Bateman.
Also: Has a giant ball of lovelight that coos to him in Hermione's voice and leads him to mysterious places.
Sandrini's - Where trivia night happens.
Sequoia - A good place to go for a tasty sandwich (or salad).
Nick's Favorite: Chicken Italiano
Katy's Favorite: Tuna Melt
Ashley's Favorite: Bistro Salad
Sirius Black - Regulus's older brother who somehow managed to bust out of Azkaban, break INTO Hogwarts, shred up of the Fat Lady, breathe on Harry while he slept, stalk Harry in the form of an animal which symbolizes death and misfortune, and generally scare the living shit out of everyone time and time again. Oh, but is totally a good guy. And, is Harry's godfather! But, is tragically killed in a drapery incident since JK insists upon killing any and all potential father figures who become close with Harry.
Also: Really hates his mother, but LURVES hippogryffs.
Slytherin - Obviously the greatest house of ALL TIME.
Also: Since I'm in it. But we're apparently all "Evil" and don't like anybody different from ourselves, so be careful. I might kill you in your sleep, or something.
Sprklz the Virtuous -The object of Bedward the Hoorklutz's IRREVOCABLE love and affection. Also, chagrins the hell out when Bedward wants to, well, bed him, and have all sorts of premarital sparkling.
Also: Known as Eddie Sprklz, Edward Cullen, or just simply Sprklz.
Sprklriche - Sprklz the Virtuous's unfamily.
Also: Who is totally loaded and LAUGHS at the dirty warewulvs and their poorness, but lets them take the old family Aston Martin out for a spin every once in awhile.
Star Wars - This film series that not a lot of girls like that features some... Skyrunner dude who like, goes on this quest with some old dude that soooo doesn't look like Ewan McGreggor to like, save this planet or something, only that planet turns out to be like, a giant spaceship that blows up planets, but then that thing gets destroyed, and then everybody goes and hides in Antarctica or something (because that's a good idea), and then
Trivia Night - Is at Sandrini's every Tuesday night and is AWESOME.
Also: Especially when we win.
Twilight - A
Also: "Twilight means never having to say you're kidding."
Unicorns - An "orgasm."
Also: Are pretty.
Unigasms - What happens when you engage in premarital sprkling.
Also: For a full explanation of the unicorn/orgasm/unigasm connection, click here.