Paint By Twilight

I give you my... quite literal... interpretation of a scene that occurs in Breaking Dawn the last fourth book in the epic saga of Sprklz the Virtuous and his brazen affair with Bedward the Hoorklutz.

In this moment toward the midpoint of seemingly unending horror middle of the book, Sprklz is chagrinning way hard over the fact that he's somehow managed to impregnate Bedward with a little bundle of joy bloodthisty, glittering death baby of DOOM, that has managed to fully gestate itself in two weeks and is freaking the HELL out of everybody by sending surprisingly articulate reverse mind-meld messages to her sparkle daddy. Oh, that, and to top it all off, this greedy little humanpire is (literally) sucking the life out of everyone's precious little Hoorklutz.  HOW UNCHIVALROUS. (reeeeeeeeeeeeeally not making this up.)

SO.  Solution? Sprklz takes the ever-pining Jaykubwulf into the Sprklriche family's fully tricked-out garage for a tender half-spoken, half thought-stolen heart-to-heart about how since his newly maternal, sex-loving little Hoorklutz seems to love babiez ALMOST as much as his bitchy unsister Rosalie, then Jaykubwulf can just HAVE her and they can live happily ever after and be poor and have all the fleshy, warmblooded motal sex and "puppies" together that they want.  Because... HE LOVES HER THAT MUCH.

Lesson learned, kids? If your purest and truest love of eternal loves gives you away to be bedded by another man so you can fulfill your wildest dreams of having children, puppies, and more children, then CLEARLY, he loves you.  Since he obviously knows what's best.  EDDIE SPARKLZ IS THE LAST WORD IN SAFETY.
(no, really, you think you'd know better than to question me by now.)