Friday, December 17, 2010

Finally, the truth.

Dear Harry,

Hey, it's me! Hogwarts. You know, the only place you've ever really been able to call home (since your parents are dead and all). Anyway, I've been hearing a lot of stuff about how I'm the safest place for you and the rest of the students to be during this whole...Voldemort is trying to take over the world and kill everyone...era. Personally, I find this description offensive, and happen to think I'm a pretty badass, horrifying, UNSAFE deathtrap. And I can prove it, with only a few examples (and there are plenty more, believe me!).

1) Remember that time Voldemort straight up GOT INTO my "safe" walls during your first year? I do. All he had to do was attach himself to Professor Quirrell's skull and hide under a turban. A fucking turban was his disguise. That's it! Does that sound very safe? I don't think so.

2) There was also that time during your second year when there was a murderous giant snake roaming the halls and petrifying students. He was trying to murder them, but...thanks to everyone conveniently seeing him through a reflection, he didn't succeed. That big fucking snake did succeed ONCE though...during that other period of time, decades earlier, when he was also allowed to roam my halls freely. He killed some annoying girl named Myrtle, who now haunts one of my bathrooms. So, it had happened once before, and then when it was happening again, Professor Dumbledore didn't even send you kids home! He just...let you all get petrified. That is, until a couple of students (yourself included) and an incompetent professor went down into a SCARY deep chamber that exists within my walls, where children live, and killed the giant snake. I think not.

3) Quidditch. It's pretty much guaranteed death, and you get to play it on my grounds.

4) Your third year is further proof of my BADASS, unsafe nature. That year, Professor Dumbledore hired a werewolf as a professor, who ended up nearly killing you, Hermione, and Christ knows who else. Also, there were soul-sucking dementors all over the place, ready to suck out someone's life essence at any minute. AND an escaped convict broke through my seemingly impenetrable, safe walls and breezed right on into your dormitory.

5) There's a giant squid in my lake. A GIANT FUCKING SQUID.

6) Your fourth year, dear Harry, the headmaster of my halls hit an all-time new record in violating safety standards by hosting the Tri-Wizard tournament on my grounds. There were dragons trying to kill students, lots of swimming with giant squids and demon mermaids, and a maze of death that took you and some Hufflepuff straight to Voldemort. And then that Hufflepuff kid died. MORE DEATH!

7) Moving staircases of death...I have them.

8) Fifth year! Some scary bitch named Umbridge was allowed into my walls to teach you children, and she essentially ended up torturing you all. By making you carve things into your arms. SAFE? I think not.

9) Eventually, I basically burn to the ground and you have to die. All on my watch.

Kid, these are only a few among MANY examples of my BADASS UNSAFENESS over my centuries of existence. Basically, what I'm saying, is that you should probably transfer to Durmstrang.

Forced Wrist-Cutting and Death,

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Oh my god, they jumped the shark!

Dear Harry,

Mmph. Mmmmph. Uh, sorry about that. When you talk like that every day you start to write like that, too. It's Kenny from South Park, Colorado in case you didn't guess. A lot of people ask me what happened to me during that lull when Trey and Matt killed me off ("for good") and tried to replace me with Tweek Tweak and Leopold Butters Scotch. Sure I was dead, but as you know, thanks to a recent episode that reiterated the fact that when I die I come straight out of my mom's white trash vagina, reborn, but this one time I didn't come back. Why didn't it happen this time? Because, frankly, I needed a break. In death, I met Jim Morrison and a half-naked indian in the desert. Jim told me that South Park had become just too awesome for its own good and I should step out of the picture (be dead) for a while so that the show would slightly suck.

Butters turned out to be a great addition to the cast, but he never fit as the fourth friend.

Tweek...Tweek. Sigh. Trey and Matt really wanted the heroes to have a friend with a drug problem didn't they? Was Jessie Spano not available?

Tweek was in no way likeable, not even for half an episode. Thus, the show sucked and Jim told me I had to go back. So, I had gotten a much welcomed break from the show and even a free football phone. I also got to go back and delight fans with the joke that never seems to get old (probably because it doesn't happen as often anymore): me dying.

Kenny McCormick

Tricky Dick...

Dear Harry,

MUST. RESIST. STEREOTYPING. A. MINORITY. MIGHT. BE. RECORDED. Fuck it, Jews are greedy and Italians are the scum of the earth.


Merry Christmas to you, too, Santa...

Dear Harry,

I still don't understand why you limeys wear those gay little paper hats on Christmas.


V for Very creepy...

Dear Harry,

Please stop sending me locks of your friend Ron's hair! I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. Also, for the last time, Mila Kunis and I did not "shag in real life."

Natalie Portman

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Dear Harry,

You're obviously too stupid to understand that the prank involves placing a flaming bag of feces on a doorstep, not a professor's desk; however, the "Trent Reznor Sucks!" graffiti on my office wall was a nice touch. Touche.



Dear Harry,

I don't see nearly enough peasants running from you or THATCHED ROOF COTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAGES burning thanks to fiery destruction! You'd better fix that, before my one arm punches you in the FACE!



Dear Harry,

Since you're way more famous than Santa Clause, the nasty, and just about as popular as that Christ guy, I figured I'd write our Christmas list to you. (Plus, there's that whole thing about Santa not being real, so. There you go.)

I know it's kind of long, but I also know you're totally rich, so... making all our dreams come true really shouldn't be a problem.

Now, on with the listing!

~*~*~*~*~*~ All We Want for Christmas, Dear Harry ~*~*~*~*~*~

**Seriously, though.  You WANT to click on those links.  They're MY gifts to YOU dear reader.

They DO exist.

1.) Twilight Mom snuggie
Since I spend so much time mocking this series and its fandom I probably deserve to wear one anyway. :(

2.) Slapchop
Maybe if we stop having such boring tuna, we can stop having such boring lives.  Or so says Vince.

3.) 12 Barack Obama Chia Pets
Since this was undoubtedly the highpoint of his presidency.

4.) 27 boxes of Shake 'n' Bake chicken
This needs no explanation.

5.) Giant Sex and Vampire Semen explained. Satisfactorily.
(The musical.)


6.) For Jimmy to get the fuck back in his wheel chair and to stop making hit records and stuff.  
Seriously.  It's weird.

7.) For that unreleased episode where Sprklz wifeswaps Bedward the Hoorklutz with Jaykubwulf since she apparently likes behbehz as much as Sprklz' unsister to FINALLY be released
Balls.  We leaked it.  SORRY GUYS.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOW.

8.) Popov.  Like, a lot.
We have LOTS of feelings to burn out of us.

9.) This dog:

10.) Beef jerky
The choice of a Zombie Apocalypse generation.

The female orgasm.
11.) pnats
Teh kind Tood wears.

12.) Sprklriffic unigasms of delight
Three minimum.  MINIMUM.

13.) A case of Pepsi
For thirst.  Duh.

14.) Rent money
We have to sleep somewhere.  Your bed? Maybe? No? FINE.  WE'LL JUST CRAWL THROUGH YOUR WINDOW AND WATCH YOU SLEEP THEN.

15.) Trash bags
Raincoats.  Since we're homeless now.

16.) The Hope Diamond
It sparkulz.

17.) For George Lucas to stop dribbling egg salad sandwich all over the fucking place
No, really.  Click the link.  Life will make a lot more sense afterward.

18.) A new tent
For our own Amazing Horcrux Adventure.

19.) Beef jerky: Part Deux

Nick wants to be super prepared.

20.) 3 Tauntaun sleeping bags 
Or one really BIG Taun-Taun sleeping bag.  Or three normal ones sewn together.  Either way.

21.) Cats
(the musical.)

22.) 4392743892747234239890423 pairs of shoes
For Nick's collection.

23.) 9 used tissues
For Katy's collection.

24.) 2 sets of Draco's toenail clippings
For my collection.

25.) 1 ALL EXPENSES PAID trip to your theme park (for 3)
We're actually pretty serious about this one.  We'd Dear Harry the hell out of that place.

Never stops being satisfying.

No, like, REALLY REALLY prepared.

28.) 3 Umbrellas
The cocktail kind.  We enjoy our tropical cocktails FESTIVELY! in the Trader Vick's in hell.

29.) Oh, and, uh... world peace.  Or something.