Finally, the truth.

Dear Harry,

Hey, it's me! Hogwarts. You know, the only place you've ever really been able to call home (since your parents are dead and all). Anyway, I've been hearing a lot of stuff about how I'm the safest place for you and the rest of the students to be during this whole...Voldemort is trying to take over the world and kill everyone...era. Personally, I find this description offensive, and happen to think I'm a pretty badass, horrifying, UNSAFE deathtrap. And I can prove it, with only a few examples (and there are plenty more, believe me!).

1) Remember that time Voldemort straight up GOT INTO my "safe" walls during your first year? I do. All he had to do was attach himself to Professor Quirrell's skull and hide under a turban. A fucking turban was his disguise. That's it! Does that sound very safe? I don't think so.

2) There was also that time during your second year when there was a murderous giant snake roaming the halls and petrifying students. He was trying to murder them, but...thanks to everyone conveniently seeing him through a reflection, he didn't succeed. That big fucking snake did succeed ONCE though...during that other period of time, decades earlier, when he was also allowed to roam my halls freely. He killed some annoying girl named Myrtle, who now haunts one of my bathrooms. So, it had happened once before, and then when it was happening again, Professor Dumbledore didn't even send you kids home! He just...let you all get petrified. That is, until a couple of students (yourself included) and an incompetent professor went down into a SCARY deep chamber that exists within my walls, where children live, and killed the giant snake. Again...safe? I think not.

3) Quidditch. It's pretty much guaranteed death, and you get to play it on my grounds.

4) Your third year is further proof of my BADASS, unsafe nature. That year, Professor Dumbledore hired a werewolf as a professor, who ended up nearly killing you, Hermione, and Christ knows who else. Also, there were soul-sucking dementors all over the place, ready to suck out someone's life essence at any minute. AND an escaped convict broke through my seemingly impenetrable, safe walls and breezed right on into your dormitory.

5) There's a giant squid in my lake. A GIANT FUCKING SQUID.

6) Your fourth year, dear Harry, the headmaster of my halls hit an all-time new record in violating safety standards by hosting the Tri-Wizard tournament on my grounds. There were dragons trying to kill students, lots of swimming with giant squids and demon mermaids, and a maze of death that took you and some Hufflepuff straight to Voldemort. And then that Hufflepuff kid died. MORE DEATH!

7) Moving staircases of death...I have them.

8) Fifth year! Some scary bitch named Umbridge was allowed into my walls to teach you children, and she essentially ended up torturing you all. By making you carve things into your arms. SAFE? I think not.

9) Eventually, I basically burn to the ground and you have to die. All on my watch.

Kid, these are only a few among MANY examples of my BADASS UNSAFENESS over my centuries of existence. Basically, what I'm saying, is that you should probably transfer to Durmstrang.

Forced Wrist-Cutting and Death,

Hogwarts