We're surprised he didn't call you Teeny Tiny Tenacious Tuberculosis Tim since the bitch got paid by the word...

Dear Harry,

Couldn't Charles Dickens have been the least bit creative and given me an ironic name like "Big Tim"...? You try getting a date with the name Tiny Tim sometime. God bless us, every one...except that wordy hack DICKens.

Love,
Tiny Tim Cratchit