The sperm doesn't fall far from...

Dear Harry,

It's your dad. Congrats on being awesome! You're almost as awesome as I was and I didn't even have to do half the shit you've done to be twice as awesome as you are. Too bad you didn't die like I did because your awesomeness would have been preserved. You'll probably screw up somewhere down the road.

Love,
Your dad, James

The WikiLeaky Cauldron

Dear Harry,

Any way you can hide me out in the Room of Requirement? I think I pissed a couple people off.

Love,
Julian Assange

Booty or Duty?

Dear Harry,

It's either Call of Duty or me. Until you decide, you aren't getting any of this.

Love,
Ginny

What's your PhD in, again?

Dear Harry,

You know, I was kind of hurt when I heard about your big... horcrux hunting quest.  I mean, that's what I DO.  I professionally hunt down culturally significant historical objects that have some sort of curse or bits of a dark wizard's soul stuck in them, and destroy them (whilst shagging a bunch of the natives).  Or have them placed in a museum.  Whatever.  Either way, I could have helped. [AN: It's true, dear Harry.  It's what I got my degree in.  Cultural Anthropology is... Learning to be like Indiana Jones.  Ask anybody.]

But then, I saw that big ass snake come out of that old lady's head, and... I wasn't too upset anymore.

Totally normal old lady...

FUCKING HUGE SNAKE SNARFS DOWN YOUR FACE!!!

I'm... sure you've got it covered.  Good luck, kid.

Love,
Indy

Do da da doo da doo

I thought he died.

Dear Harry,

Yesterday, I was sitting in my office full of wizard shinies being all wize (wizard wise), and sage-like and stuff, Googling around for new beard jewelry, when I came across an item that immediately shot to the top of my Christmas list:

IT'S A ZERO GRAVITY FUCK-SUIT.

How awesomely magical and downright fucking wizardly is that?? Yes, I thought you'd agree.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you of that one year when I gifted you with your dead dad's invisibility cloak and how you still technically owe me (if you know what I mean).

Happy Christmas!

Love,

Albus, The Headmaster ;)

How does one WRITE to twilight, exactly?

Dear Harry,

Something strange happened to me today.  As I was wasting my "real" life away in favor of a more fulfilling one in front of my computer, I stumbled across this site: www.letterstotwilight.com.  I know, I was just as surprised as you are.  Apparently, your fans aren't the only ones who can write letters -- Twilighters can, too! (When they're not too busy angsting and sparkling, I'd imagine.)

Letting my curiosity get the best of me, I spent some time poking around this bizarro, parallel, vamped-out universe, and stumbled across this entry, in which the author mulls about the similarities and differences between Twilight and your fandoms.  Now, as if this weren't already uncanny enough, I nearly blew my wand when I read this following passage:

In fact, Harry Potter crazies are probably weirder than Twi-crazies because of the magic-aspect. And their crazy fans tend to be boys who dress up like boy wizards. Weird. What if there is a LTHP (Letters to Harry Potter)-like site out there right now that makes fun of crazy Harry Potter fans like we do with Twi-fans?

 THAT, Dear Harry, was too much for me to ignore.  I had to say something.  So, I quickly penned this response on your behalf...