What's your PhD in, again?

Dear Harry,

You know, I was kind of hurt when I heard about your big... horcrux hunting quest.  I mean, that's what I DO.  I professionally hunt down culturally significant historical objects that have some sort of curse or bits of a dark wizard's soul stuck in them, and destroy them (whilst shagging a bunch of the natives).  Or have them placed in a museum.  Whatever.  Either way, I could have helped. [AN: It's true, dear Harry.  It's what I got my degree in.  Cultural Anthropology is... Learning to be like Indiana Jones.  Ask anybody.]

But then, I saw that big ass snake come out of that old lady's head, and... I wasn't too upset anymore.

Totally normal old lady...

FUCKING HUGE SNAKE SNARFS DOWN YOUR FACE!!!

I'm... sure you've got it covered.  Good luck, kid.

Love,
Indy

Ssssssssalutations...

Dear Harry,

Remember me? I'm that snake you freed from captivity.
I just really wanted to thank you for your kindness. When
you freed me, I met the snake of my dreams the next day.
We got married and got an apartment. I made friends with
everyone in our building and we have good laughs every day!
My loads and loads of friends all got their physicals and they
are so healthy. They're going to live for a really really long time!
What about you? I'm sure you have so many friends that aren't
dead or anything!

Love,
Ted the snake