Hans Britz?!? Oh no!! Oh hi, Hans!

Dear Harry,

You are an impostor! Our great leader was the one who defeated the great beast, Hagrid, and won 18 Twi-Wizard Tournaments in a row! You will pay for your deception!

Love,
North Korea

We'd be doomed...

 Dear Harry,

If that idiot Hagrid ever manages to get his hands on something called a "Mogwai," don't let him get it wet, or feed the little shit after midnight.

Love,
Billy Peltzer