There are.... No words.

Dear Harry,

I finally got around to reading your series (being filthy rich and Mormon can be quite time consuming), and... I can see why it isn't doing so well.

Since I'm a writer myself, I took the liberty of making a few teensy, weensy changes that I really think will help the book connect a bit more with readers and, "bring the lulz," as the kids would say. ; ) 

I hope you enjoy my edits, and wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.

Love,
Stephenie Meyer

P.S. I'm sorry to hear about your newest film -- I'm sure it'll do better next time!



~*~  Hermione Granger and the Dusky Dawn  ~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~}~@ ****** Prologue ****** @~{~~~

I never thought much about how I would die.  Frankly, I've always found the subject of my own (increasingly imminent) demise quite unpleasant, so I really do my best to avoid thinking about it -- even if that means not thinking about much of anything at all (I've never been much good at it anyway, thinking).

Lately, however, death and all of its residual ickyness seems to be an unavoidable part of my existence.  It follows me wherever I go, plaguing my thoughts, taunting me whenever I demurely glance at crack in the sidewalk and suffer a compound fracture to my femur and snap a few ribs in half.  Clumsiness (no matter how endearing), really has its drawbacks.

The weak-minded

Dear Harry,

Apparently those were the droids we were looking for.

Love,

Larry, Buford, and Mike C., stormtroopers

What a sad, sorry truth.

Dear Harry,

I am now the best living director of a Star Wars movie. Suck it.

Love,
George Lucas

It's getting old, boy who lived...

Dear Harry,

Yeah, yeah...you got me, but I am NOT falling for it again. I know that you have not actually "got" my nose...I just wish I could remember where I put the bloody thing.

Love,
The Dark Lord, Voldemort

Bowie to Bowie

Dear Harry,

Have you seen Major Tom? We can't seem to find him anywhere.

Love,
NASA

Hans Britz?!? Oh no!! Oh hi, Hans!

Dear Harry,

You are an impostor! Our great leader was the one who defeated the great beast, Hagrid, and won 18 Twi-Wizard Tournaments in a row! You will pay for your deception!

Love,
North Korea

Money, money, money, money, monnnney, MONEY!

Dear Harry,

Hey, it's Warner Bros. Just wanted to congratulate you on another successful movie. One more to go, huh? Yeah, about that...We know there aren't any books left, but we've been throwing around ideas and we think we can stretch out this series just a little longer, say indefinitely. Listen to this...you're Harry Potter, but you wake up and don't remember who you are, but the audience knows cause the movie is called Harry Potter and the Such and Such. Anywho, you find a piece of paper in your pocket...or parchment. The Brits say "parchment," right? Ok, the parchment just says "Crumple-horned Snorkack 1437". And you find a gun taped to your back. We decided that wands are kind of lame, BUT! We're gonna do that thing like in Romeo and Juliet where they all had guns, but called them "swords". So, you have your "wand" and then the rest of the film is a lot of chase scenes and we decided to give Voldemort an eyepatch and a pet tiger. What do you think?

Love,

Warner Bro$