Logic at work...

Dear Harry,

In Ron Reagan's new book, My Father at 100, he argues that his father, the late god amongst men, Ronald Reagan, should never have been elected to a second term in office because he may have already had Alzheimer's. I believe it's safe to say Ron Reagan is a socialist-Nazi, plain and simple.

Love,

Glenn Beck

THE HELL HE IS!

Dear Harry,

Jeff Bridges is a fag.

Love,

John Wayne

This letter is PERSONAL.

Dear Harry,

Your patronus charm is a stag? A stag?!? That's gotta be the wussiest animal in the history of all time ever! Shit, LaDainian Tomlinson's patronus is a sabretooth tiger. You don't fuck with a sabretooth tiger. You know how many stags I've had to scrape off the front of my Hummer?!? At least several!

Love is for queers,

Rex Ryan

You made Sean Penn cry!....Probably.

Dear Harry,

Whenever people think you're being mean-spirited, just tell them they don't understand British humour. That always shuts them up. Speaking of the Golden Globes, Mel Gibson has since been referring to me as the "Hitler of Comedy". I'm still not quite sure if he's trying to insult me or compliment me.

Love,

Ricky Gervais

No, I'm also a keymaster. Strange coincidence.

Dear Harry,

Are you the gatekeeper?

Love,

Louis Tully

Awkward...

Dear Harry,

This is going to sound really bizarre, but I got a call from Macaulay Culkin the other day and he brought up a memory I had long supressed. For a few years after filming The Good Son, we became quite the close pair...perhaps too close. Since we parted I long suspected that part of me was missing. Mac felt this, too. When I answered the phone call from him, it suddenly occured to me what that missing piece was even before he said the words. Harry...I don't know how to explain this, but I believe we are your real parents. Please get in contact with my agent immediately.

Love,

Your fath...mothe...erm, Elijah

Still not cool...

Dear Harry,

Just thought you should know that we, as a collective house, just solved the eternal question of why we are here and we're not going to tell you the answer. How cool are we now?

Love,
Hufflepuff